Shes selfish, self absorbed, and completely irresponsible. Dont let your parents screw your life up like mine nearly did. First of all, dont loan money to family members. I was not taught or even mentioned to about investing, the different options for savings, college costs, house finances, etc. My parents have never been good with money weve all lived with my maternal grandmother for as long as I can remember who footed most of the bills while my parents paid to eat out every night, and keep up with the Joneses. My poor grandmother felt it was her duty to care for my mother (even though she was an adult) that she very rarely made an issue of the disproportional amount she was paying towards the expenses. The family home was to be sold after 12 months. No savings or investments at all, and mortgage still left to be paid off. I realize I cannot help them if they refuse to help themselves. Ever since i started working at the age of 16 my parents asked me to give tmhem money and i always thought it was the correct thing to do because i was raised in a really poor family and i couldnt enjoy or have any luxuries because my parents always needed money week after week so i always helped them. Now that you are an adult, she cannot physically control you, and if you are financially independent, she cannot control you through money either. That goes for friends as well as family members. My mother became literally addicted to online shopping, something she had never done before the money showed up. Your comment gives me pause. Why should I have to pick up the pieces? Yes. Most of Gen X are LatchKeys. I hear you! The truth is, a lot of people are irresponsible just because they expect someone to bail them out later. Many financially responsible people are stuck with financially irresponsible spouses. Im going thru that shit now! We ourselves are struggling w/ what we have so I think the best that I could do is to allow my parents to live w/ us in our house. We all live in California, while my dad bums around New Jersey. A nonprofit. They owe hundreds of thousands of dollars to family members and friends from the time they owned their business that did not pan out so well. Well first of all, I consider filal responsibilty laws to be outrageously unconstitutional. When we do other things, we usually talk it over and have the two best bargain hunters (me and one other person in the group) search for discounts and coupons and plan out the cheapest way to do it. A not-for-profit credit counseling service (find one at the National Foundation for Credit Counselors, NFCC.org) is a great idea but she may need your steady hand to help organize her enough for an effective counseling session. BTW, the irresponsible one is also physically unhealthy and the opposite is true for the responsible one. Who said you had to buy the latest and greatest? I dont have a responsibility to let him mooch off of me for the rest of his life. No one wants to have to go through this believe me. But this came at a price, as he basically ran away and left us, the kids, to clean up his very messy house. Though she & my dad worked hard she always borrowed from Paul to repay Peter. I was often the lender. Its not right in the slightest, because were having to cover her portion as well and will likely continue having to do this for some time to come. He doesnt believe he is capable of anything other than construction. My mother hit the bottle (turned to alcohol) big time when she found out there was no money. I made alot of mistakes..I wish I had died.Now I live in hell and so much pain of having to burden my son. If that is going on n the mom n law HAS money n u begin 2 feel used by her, I can understand that. Now if he has to stop working because of health issues ( which is starting to happen), he will not be able to afford it.The only option is to give the truck back? From the age of 9, my husband had a hand in supporting the household with jobs outside of the home. More than once? I have accomplished so much after cutting them out of my life. I would most likely help my parents however possible, but hopefully I will not be faced with this decision. in short, acted like theyd made it big. Its just asking too much of people, especially if they also have kids. and yet I feel guilty. Heres Why. If i look at this picture I laugh at myself and think It is like the dann Adams Family, it is a joke. Home InCharge Blog How to Stop Enabling Financially Irresponsible Family Members, By Tom Jackson | Personal Finance, Taxes. Also most people just dont have an extra 1000 to kick to their parents a month. the first part of your statement negates the second part of your statement. Instead, I was told that if I will not allow him to give me money monthly, then he sees no way of helping me, doesnt want to hear about it, and he cannot deal with knowing about the situation, as his thoughts affect him during his day. My girlfriend has a deadbeat dad in his 50s with nothing to his name. Neither party should let anything go unsaid or risk a misunderstanding. Nothing to his wonderful mother who was as good and caring as they come. If your relative asks for money, say that you are willing to give money in order to help their recovery. Avoid it. I believe that every member of a family has the responsibility to respect the others by taking care of his or her own financial business and to only ask for assistance when he or she has legitimately fallen on hard times. Why its a problem: Their conspicuous consumption can be annoying, but theyre still family and its hard to watch them spend their way into bankruptcy and a lifetime of financial woes. She will have nothing saved, and nothing to leave her only child.Before getting sober she treated him, me, and our daughter like complete crap. I lost my husband my house burned down I got cancer. At the same time, offer as much non-financial support as you can give. They did not run out of money and had loving family members nearby to help them. Me and my husband work very hard and save very hard, my mother has not worked in 20 years (by choice) and they pay my sisters bills (by choice). I cant have her leaving with us. My grandmother bought him a mobile home (paid for) and all he had to do was pay utilities and the almost $300.00/per mo. You are NOT responsible for your MIL poor choices. I didnt recognize how parasitic she really was. A story that is hurtful, painful, caused anguish, or took us through sheer hell. I have to agree. We had paid things off for him to give him the opportunity to retire, but he goes out and finances a truck. What is my financial obligation to my family? - Get Rich Slowly Once the recession hit they stopped helping me financially and were in trouble of losing their home and filing for bankruptcy. They were renting (yet again) a huge house and as usual living beyond their means. When No One in the Family Wants to Pay Property Taxes, What Can You Do? Get to know them. If you or the elderly person live in a nursing home, contact the Nursing Home Ombudsman ( http://theconsumervoice.org/get_help ). They always ate at restaurants instead of cooking and maxed out all of their credit cards. Ironically you can keep a house if you declare bankruptcy since you need a place to live, but it doesnt make sense to have more than 1000 square ft for 2 people in my opinion, you just pay more in utilities and management. Read Dave Ramsey or something similar if you need a plan. As is always the case, communicate, but do it outside of the framework of those expensive situations. Uh-oh, overstock: Wayfair put their surplus on sale for up to 50% off. Maybe they even live at home without adequately contributing to the finances of your household. He also has no car. Despite making a decent livable wage, they continue to live paycheck to paycheck. What are your interests and how can you put those toward more stable employment?, Say, At the moment I can't help you financially, but I'd love to help you in different ways. We buy them groceries and bring them food, but do not want to give them cash. Ive had money and Ive had love and neither are worth dick unless you dont take it for granted. To ignore the irresponsibility of the past and not change them in future generations is ignorance.What if we do die before our parents? My income from work is between $26,000-$30,000 a year! Just today a loan was requested, and Im terrified of opening that door. Thats what those laws are for. The other parent is frugal, easily contented with a simple life style, doesnt believe in debt or unreasonable spending. good luck. It can be so hard though when they are your family and you love them and dont want to see them suffer. I am upset that they know they need to save, but instead go out to fancy dinners and buy expensive gadgets that they dont need but want. You are an asshole for expecting your children to bank roll you so you could go on vacation or buy shit you dont need. The most lasting workplace relationships are built out of other things, like reliability and kindness and healthy candor. all the while Im angry and resentful about the laziness and decisions that were made by her all these years. Whether youre trying to help a family member get back on track financially or address some of your own spending, saving, and budgeting issues, the friendly advisors at American Credit Foundation are always happy to help. Financial stability certainly is, but not toys. Again, it is ok in certain circumstances but shopping addictions, gambling, living beyond your means and not giving a care & then guilt tripping your kids into paying for your bills is very selfish. I sure wouldnt. My name is Kim and I wrote one of the first posts in here and had mixed comments. Long term care insurance policy? Needless to say, Im carrying around quite a lot of resentment. Live your life. I know Im a horrible enabler but cant say no to my family. It isnt that much, only $300,000.What do you guys think? How do you tell your mom, You better stop spending your money because youre not moving in with me??? My honest suggestion is to be very wary of this relationship. Until you are in the situation and everyones circumstances are different, you do not know what you will do. Are you really sure about that. Its a story that happens over and over and over again, and its never worth it. 2. I will cook and clean and help my son with a family business. There are so few resources on the internet to deal with this exact situation, I thank this forum & Mr. Miller for putting it out there. My father is the owner/operator of his truck and my mom never worked. The fact is that they always seem to muddle through, but I dont ever want to be the one supporting financially irresponsible people. I also know I would not be the woman I am today if she had not had dysfunctional parenting approaches that gave me bags of angst. My mother-in-law was working 80 hrs a week to pay for it allits really her that wants it all too. They need to find a job. This has to change. And she was in her 50s, completely able to work, previously making over $100,000 a year and squandered it away? my parents i would help yes. What is just pain Crago is after eighteen years old we owe them nothing.We have supported,housed,Fed our children out of love. I usually just read through posts like these but after so many similar tales I decided to post a bit about my own situation. I stayed with his good times dad who he loved but who I wanted to leave the entirety of his growing up. To justify our selfish logic, we use the fact that a rare amount of people are lazy, when we are still accountable for helping those who are actually having problems. I can feel that. Parent 2 never owned or rented their own place and has zero savings. Instead, do it far away from any such planning. The time is coming in the very near future that they will be asking for a nice sum of money. I hate giving people money, its normally the first thing they ask for and the last thing they need. I also had no idea his father would be losing his job completely. None of us have disposable money. What can I do to protect the kids? Now that Im 32 and back on my feet financially, she doesnt get any help from me. Is she going to change? give me a break!!! I stumbled upon this article, as its sort of my situation at the moment. She even goes so far as to use the Bible to try to manipulate me into giving her money. Unusual circumstances like a once-in-a-generation economic shutdown are a good time to offer a financial boost. Some of their mail gets misdirected to our house, and the envelopes are marked in a way that indicates bills for both households arent getting paid. You bet. I am so tired of the comments that group people into generalizations like baby boomer let alone the premise of this article; making excuses for poor, selfish, or irresponsible choices that continuously and severely impact the lives of all family around the couple. All the other family members and friends refuse to help him, I only help him by storing his stuff and take him to lunch and breakfast, etc. She already proposed a few years ago that she was considering moving in with me and my husband (apparently she just assumed wed be thrilled with the idea), and I made it clear then that we were NOT on board with that, and would never be on board unless she had serious health issues and needed care. As to the small percentage of children who simply refuse to care for their parents, without just cause, it may create an issue as far making them take care of their parents. Hey FreakedOut, I dont know if youll see this but I wonder how it turned out. If he gets into financial trouble, scammed, etc. He is on his own since I refuse to even feed him when he has blown his money to nothing. My parents make decen money, had countless times where they had more than enough to save, but they always blew it- an not on us kids. Trust planning, whether as part of a testamentary trust in a will or inter vivos trust, can set aside funds for their use over time. When the wife is sick, the elderly woman feeds the sick friend. Let them know that you need to reevaluate spending habits or discuss your budget, so you can start a conversation without them getting instantly defensive. She has three kids, one who is currently in college, one on the way to college and another going in a couple of years. Sounds like she has mental Illness but depending on your location there may not be any programs to help. Were also saving for college. If they implicitly always told you are a burden on every level of their lives since you were a baby, they deserve nothing if not damage from you in their lives. They had just been on a very expensive cruise in Antartica and bought an Audi estate car. If you think your kids are going to be harmed emotionally or physically then dont accept her. I would do this only because my parents raised me properly and was not mean and abusive or anything like that. I have lived very modestly. Theyve been Instagramming their latest exotic vacation all week. He is marrying a lovely lady, so he has a place to live and a chance at a new life. A parent that abandons their child should not expect or deserve any feelings of obligation from that child later in life. Thank you for your post and to all who commented here. I enjoy life and love wit her, but seems to me that mommy and daddy comes first. When you talk about such things, suggest a reasonable compromise. Heres the thing: the money you have is almost always the result of your personal hard work and hard choices. The parents are young early fifties ,,,,my boyfriend was crazy young when they made him start working . so, thanks for your posts and helping me to sort this all out. Yet she continues her reckless spending. Mom swears they will be fine, but with no one to bail them out like my grandparents did, I dont know how long it will be before their care falls solely on the backs of me and my siblings. It is ok to help your parents when they need it but only when they are not purposely taking advantage of you or making you feel like you owe them. and the bulk of this crowd never planned for retirement. Then it comes down to setting boundaries so that you dont become a burden to others later on and what you can live with. My father is very lively and healthy, for years he had his own business did very well but did not handle money well. I dont know of many babysitters who get a grand a month for maybe two nights a months. The parents are in their 80s and on Social Security. I really appreciate the honesty and posts on this website. This is called compassion for fellow man. We are dead broke (Once again) but they can for whatever reason afford to finance HD televisions and luxury furniture. They get resentful of me and always make him feel guilty if he chooses to express that we have a life of our own. Your significant other, on the other hand, likes to play fast and loose with finances: They buy what they want, when they want, often throwing an expensive wrench into your carefully laid plans. Tell your grandparents that theyd be hurting their grandkids if they do what theyre threatening to do. Now The only thing shes left her only son is the burden of taking care of her! Now 10 years later, he has two mortgages on his home and about $20,000 left in cash. People think because Im living at home I must have saved loads of money but that couldnt be further from the truth. For now, I am choosing to be disengaged, because my efforts in the past in trying to change behavior have been ignored. I paid all of his medical with my decades of saved cash retirement cash after shutting down all work to care for him as he died. It is not fair to ask me to support my father when I have a family, one child in college and the other preparing to graduate high school. The article mentioned less than 10,000 saved? My Mother-in-law knows about my nest egg and thinks Im cruel. Financially Unresponsible Parents Sucks Ass, The Shockingly Low Amount of Retirement Savings per American, Ryan Broyles: a Frugal Pro Athlete Story we can All Learn from, Starting Down the Road to Financial Independence? By way of an update and some free advice: Having recently been talking to a shrink, I was advised that I should be looking after myself/my husband BEFORE looking after the parents. youd have to be frickin nuts. Meanwhile her house is on a mortgage so can not be put up for sale, and her car is not paid for so not an asset that can be sold to help pay for her expenses. Walking away takes a lot of guts. Beneficiaries may be incentivized to work smarter if there is no lump sum in their immediate future. You made a lot of sacrifices to earn that money. My father is a felon and we were already off to college (supporting ourselves, just barely) once he and my mother finally got their sh** together and when they finally did, they crawled into a hole and quietly enjoyed their lives together, ignoring all of the fallout of what had happened for more than a decade. This is why many are quite frustrated with older people. Parents Needs to support their kids & help them Grow not be a heavy weight & pulled them back down. They bought the house they could not afford and the luxury cars to go with it. In fact, shes in her early fifties and more than capable. My partner is Korean and his parents moved here from Korea 35 years ago in pursuit of the glamorous American life. Other than that you may just have to ignore them. i offered my mom a place to live for free so she could retire because shes sick and 70. A gambling addiction or problem is often associated with other behavior or mood disorders. Its the selfish or neglectful parents people here are mainly talking about. She is currently 74 years old, not in good health but could potentially live another 15 years! Is the person willing to accept non-financial help such as transportation while a car is in the shop or dinners at your home that could help cut down on their food bills? That ranks up there with one of the craziest stories Ive ever heard. I feel bad but I feel that I should not have the make this decision because he is well able to take care of himself. Dont complain about your parents frivolous spending habits and then ask for money from them to pay for a big wedding. I am also very happy to hear that adults in their 20s are thinking about their retirement. That is the most ridiculous comment a person with sound judgement could make. But so what, its time for them to grow up at the age of 68 & 69 and its time for me to stop feeling guilt and take care of myself and my family so i do not repeat this cycle. habitual lateness. Often, children need that final push to finally get out of the nest and find their own path to financial responsibility. On top of all that I was a freshman in college and did not receive a penny from my father. I just wondered if anybody has experienced this type of person, because I have never seen anybody like this my life. 13 Signs Your Husband Is Using You Financially 1. I hope my son helps me. Friends and family members know you love them, so repayment isn't typically a priority. Therefore, I have been working two, sometimes three, jobs at a time just make ends meet. Filial Obligation laws usually go beyond child for parent. My questionable / problem is that she spend more than R11000-00 ($1250-00) p/m on her semi retired parents. Family and money: A lesson in accepting what you cannot change Ive been on my own since I was 16. The truth Hurts, doesnt it Cherilyn!! Its only going to get better from here! Like many in her age group, your 25-year-old daughter graduated college with crushing student loan debt and is struggling to find a full-time job. A Long before COVID, another pandemic would hit America every August the Back-To-School Blues. 7 Strategies to Deal With Difficult Family Members Its hard to be okay supporting people who dont want to face reality, and treat your loved one like an ATM. I am very confused, conflicted, and torn. Its important to know when financial support moves from aid to addiction. If you suspect a family member is doing this to you, you can get help from someone in your community. I do not argue with them about the poor decisions they make because it always turns into a guilt trip about how much she provides for the family. Whenever I see a defensive no parent is perfect, its a red flag to me.